


Three Times Donna Meagle Was Fabulous

by Nestra



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 16:59:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2780789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nestra/pseuds/Nestra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donna solves two problems and blows one mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Times Donna Meagle Was Fabulous

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thinlizzy2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinlizzy2/gifts).



> Thanks to my beta. And to Donna Meagle, for being as awesome as she is.

“Jerry, give me that phone.” After listening to Jerry’s increasingly pathetic conversation for fifteen minutes, Donna felt it was time to step in.

“Oh, Donna, I don’t know--"

“Give me the damn phone.”

Jerry hunched his shoulders helplessly and passed the phone to Donna.

“Hello, who am I speaking to?”

“This is Frank with Comcast,” chirped the voice on the other end of the line, with an accent that made it clear that Frank was his company-mandated name.

“Hello, Frank,” Donna said. “Your company is the root of all evil. I know that, and I’m sure you know that. Now I also know you’re just trying to earn a living, so I am going to be polite but firm.”

“I’m sorry, are you part of the Gergich household?”

“I am not. I am an avenging angel who has sat here, listening to poor Jerry try to convince you that he doesn’t need 183 digital channels.”

“Actually, I agreed to the 235-channel package,” whispered Jerry.

“I know you did,” snapped Donna. “That’s why I took the phone away.”

“Comcast provides a one-of-a-kind entertainment experience--"

“Frank, I’m gonna stop you there. Believe me, I have heard your promises before. I have heard your lies and your apologies. ‘Oh, we’ll correct that billing error immediately, Ms. Meagle.’ ‘Someone will be there between 12 and 4, Ms. Meagle.’ I do not believe a word your company says, Frank. And if you do not immediately change Jerry’s subscription to whatever he wants, I’m going to make it my personal mission to destroy your company.”

“Ma’am--"

“You may think that’s an empty threat, Frank, but go ahead, look up my file. Donna Meagle, M-E-A-G-L-E. I’ll wait.”

“Wow,” Frank whispered after a minute of dead silence. “I’ve never seen anyone get that many premium channels for free.”

“I think it’s clear that you don’t want to cross me. I’m going to give the phone back to Jerry, and if you don’t do exactly what he wants, you will _feel my wrath_.”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Meagle, please don’t be mad, but who is Jerry?”

Donna rolled her eyes and crooked her finger at Jerry. “Take this phone, and you’re welcome. You can thank me with baked goods, perfume, or by covering for me for the rest of the afternoon. I’ma go home and watch some HBO-6.”

“I didn’t think there was such a thing as HBO-6,” Jerry said, clutching the phone like it might bite him if he wasn’t careful.

Donna grabbed her purse and coat and pulled out her compact to check her lipstick. “Maybe not for you.”

***

“This is so hard.”

Everyone in the office was used to hearing that from Andy, so no one paid any attention. When he started whimpering, though, Donna looked up from her game of Flappy Bird. “What’s wrong, baby?”

Andy moped his way over to her desk. “Presents.”

“Presents are hard?”

“My anniversary with April is coming up. Normally I’d just write her a song, but I wrote her a song last week when we found that Dorito that looked like Jean-Claude Van Damme. So now I have no idea what to get her. I mean, I could get her a llama, but we don’t have anywhere to keep it and it might fight with Champion.”

Donna set down her phone and gestured Andy to a chair. “Okay, listen. I’m going to share Donna’s famous gift-giving strategy with you. You take something April likes, and you give her more of it or a better version of it. What does April like?”

Andy screwed up his face in concentration. “Coffins. Taxidermy. Dolls with creepy faces. But coffins are really expensive, and I can’t sleep with dead animals or creepy dolls in the house.”

Donna closed her eyes and sighed. “Hold on. I have to pretend that I’m morbid and weird.” She took a few deep breaths and tried to imagine the inside of April’s head. “What about food?”

“She likes Pop-Tarts.” His face lit up with unholy glee. “I could make a giant Pop-Tart!”

“No, honey, you can’t.”

Immediately, the glee turned back into moping. “Yeah, it would take a really big oven.”

“I probably shouldn’t ask what she likes to do.” She shuddered at the memory of what April had called a Tupperware party. Donna still couldn’t stand to look at a teddy bear.

“She doesn’t really like to do anything. Like, when I play a video game, she just sits next to me and makes fun of me.”

Donna nodded. “And when I spend an hour looking at shoes on Zappos, she stops by every fifteen minutes to shout ‘Death to the capitalist pigs!’”

“She’s usually pretty happy when she’s yelling at people,” Andy said.

“There’s your answer,” Donna said, clapping her hands together. “If that’s what makes her happy, give her more of that.”

“Oh, oh!” Andy yelped. From Leslie’s office, Tom looked up at the noise, but Donna waved him off with the signal that meant ‘I’ll give you all the deets later.’

“I’ll take her on a hating people tour!” Andy continued. “Our tour will start at one of Eagleton’s Starbucks, right in time for the morning rush. She hates people who get any kind of drink that ends in ‘-ino’. Cappuccino, Frappuccino, espressoccino--”

“That last one’s not a real drink.”

Andy didn’t hear her, wrapped up in planning his tour of hate. “We’ll do lunch at the mall food court, and then we’ll go wander around the expensive stores and make fun of all the women there, spending their afternoon buying expensive clothes instead of working at their jobs.”

“Those women have a job. It’s called ‘trophy wife.’”

“And then we can end the day at one of Eagleton’s most irritating hipster bars, sitting in the corner and drinking snooty microbrews.”

“I think she’ll love to hate that,” Donna said.

“Thanks, Donna!” Andy bounced out of the office -- literally bounced, like he was too happy and full of love to keep his feet on the ground.

Tom came over. “What did you do? Last time he jumped around like that, he’d just slammed three straight Pixy-Stix.”

“Played a little fairy godmother. It’s always nice to help out young love.”

“Even when it’s weird young love,” Tom said.

“You know it,” Donna replied, and held up her fist for a celebratory bump.

***

Donna shut the front door of her condo behind Tom. “I have called you here today because I have a secret.”

“Oooh, I love secrets! Is it TMZ material?” Tom unwrapped his scarf from around his neck, shrugged off his coat, and dropped both of them on her leather couch.

“My whole life is TMZ-worthy. But I’m not playing around, Tommy. You have to keep this a secret. Even if Perez or Jared shows up on your doorstep and offers you a lifetime supply of glitter face cream.”

“Damn,” Tom said, drawing it out.

“I’m serious. Swear on Blue Ivy’s life.”

“Okay, I swear.” Tom held up his left hand and put his right hand over his heart. “On that precious little princess’ life.”

Donna led him through her condo, into her bedroom, and finally to the closet.

“A walk-in? I’ve seen a walk-in before.”

“This is beyond a walk-in, Tommy. This is the most amazing closet you will ever see.” She opened the double doors to reveal rows of hanging clothes that went on and on...and on.

“Oh, my god,” Tom said, his hand reaching out to touch the leather coat hanging near the front. “It’s bigger on the inside.”

There was one wall dedicated entirely to shoes, sorted by color, type, heel height, and material. Seemingly endless rows of jewelry boxes stretched as far as the eye could see -- and further. Donna pressed a button on the wall by the door, and one row of clothes rotated out of the way to make way for a wall full of recesses and drawers.

“The accessory wall,” intoned Donna. She pressed the button again. “The scarf collection.” Again. “Socks, trouser socks, and gloves.”

Tom, for once, was speechless as the button-pushing continued.

“Wigs and hair pieces. Belts. And finally, purses, bags, wallets, and keychains.”

Tom’s hands flapped so much that he generated a small breeze. “Donna! Oh, my god! You! This room! Can I live here?”

“No.”

“Donna! You have a magic closet!” He grabbed one of the doors and swung it back and forth several times. “Does it go to Narnia?”

“I’m a Time Lord. Not human. And not British.”

“But you’re the most human person I know. You’ve seen every episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

“I’m still a person. With impeccable taste.” They fist-bumped in solidarity.

“If you’re an alien, what are you doing here? On Earth? In Pawnee?” Tom waved his hand around, encompassing all of the glorious mediocrity that was Pawnee.

Donna shrugged. “I like it here. I can just live my life and no one bothers me. There’s another Time Lord that shows up on Earth a lot, but he never comes to Indiana.”

“Wait a minute,” Tom said. “If he’s a Time Lord, shouldn’t you be a Time Lady?”

“No. If you call me anything, you better call me a Time Lord.” She held up her finger so Tom would know she meant it. “The last person who tried calling me a Time Lady is now in a permanent orbit around Kaldor.”

Tom looked a little scared, though she didn’t know why. She’d done worse to the last person who’d dinged her Mercedes. Possibly to get some space from her, he stepped into the closet and started sorting through her cardigans (cashmere to the left, cotton and synthetics to the right). “Why did you show me this?”

Donna moved next to him and put her hand on his shoulder. “I wanted to share it with someone, and I knew you’d appreciate it.”

“Aw, thanks, Donna-Madonna. You’re the best.”

“I know, Tom-Tom.”

“Holy crap, can I borrow that houndstooth scarf?”

“Not a chance in the universe.”


End file.
